Pampers and Patron

Happy New Year

2012-01-02T11:25:00.000-10:00

On the off chance that the Mayans are correct and this will be the last year of all our lives, we better make it a good one eh? I don't make resolutions. I have in the past, and of course I've never completed them. Run more, exercise at least 3 times a week, lose 10 pounds. How generic am I? But I guess if the world is ending I should make resolutions that are important and personal. So

Back...

2011-08-24T10:57:00.001-10:00

A year ago... I went away...for a long time. I had a baby, had a meltdown, learned how to love and had another meltdown. I had many, many meltdowns in the past year of my baby's life. I forgot about this. I forgot about this blog, where I used to go to write what I needed to write, whenever I needed to write it. A friend began a blog, which I became a contributor to: Drink with Aloha.

Yuppie + Hippie = Yippie. Welcome to my new Yippie World

2010-04-08T14:54:00.000-10:00

As the main grocery consumer in my household, it is a weekly – if not daily – challenge to find the most economic and healthy consumables. There’s Whole Foods (Whole Paycheck) and the local Farmer’s Market. While my beloved Farmer’s Market is an affordable foodie’s paradise, they’re lacking in availability and convenience. After that, there’s always a (generic)grocery store. But then, one

Tsunami-Not. Or: Mother Nature and Pele have a discussion.

2010-03-01T13:02:00.001-10:00

This past Friday night, Chile was rocked with a gimoungous earthquake that devastated the country. That earthquake sparked a Tsunami warning for the Hawaiian Islands, West Coast of the Continental United States, and Japan. I'm missing a country in here somewhere that was threatened. Please forgive me, I was preoccupied with the fact that: 1. I live in Hawaii -----and----- 2. People were

The Shit That Ruined My Day

2010-02-24T09:18:00.000-10:00

Re: Utah's Newest Bill to Prosecute Women for Having Miscarriages Hey Utah, Fuck you. Yes, I say that for every woman who has has a miscarriage. You think it's easy to miscarry a baby - whether the child is wanted or not? Fuck you. It's not. If your body miscarries, it hurts like fucking hell. If your baby dies in your womb without you knowing you have to have an operation to take him out. So

McPregnant WomanVille: aka The Curse of the Oreo McFlurry.

2010-02-23T15:31:00.007-10:00

Me (sitting in my car, listening to Taylor Swift sing about boys who don't love her, waiting for my Oreo McFlurry in the drive through line of McDonald's) singing: "Romeo save me ~ I've been feeling so alone ~ I've been waiting ~ for you but you never call" ---as I pull up to the pay window with my $2.71 for my freaking Oreo McFlurry--- Dude in drive through window: "

Goodbye Ambivalence

2010-02-01T15:55:00.002-10:00

Sometimes it's the smallest thing that makes you fall in and out of love. Go to an adored restaurant and have horrible service - out of love. Go to a party and have a phenomenal experience - fall in love. Try a new drink - fall in love. Try same drink made by different bartender - out of love. Love is a Many Splendored - and fickle - thing. With our little fetus it was ambivalence. Many

The Last Hurrah

2010-01-26T13:43:00.051-10:00

Once upon a time there was a guy who loved wine and a girl who loved tequila. They decided to attend a build-a-baby workshop for two, and were thus gifted with a zygote that turned into a fetus that would (hopefully!) turn into a screaming child that would be a healthy non-asshole. One day the girl looked at the boy, who was drinking his 3rd glass of wine, and got really, really jealous. "I

The Missing Pieces of Life

2010-01-21T15:06:00.001-10:00

About four in the afternoon, my friend and I were at a bar playing with these little plastic toys left in a basket for drunk kids like us. She had set up a wall of fencing with soldiers and cowboys, defending it from my wall of teepees and Indians that pointed their little bows and arrows at the guns. My toy horse was adorned with a hot

How To Get Put on the Disneyland Watch List - or - Another Good Reason to Quit Smoking

2010-01-20T14:55:00.002-10:00

I quit smoking on May 8, 2009. I was in Disneyland the week prior, hiding out behind the House of Blues with cigarette in hand, creeping in the bushes, a dirty, filthy smoker. I was defiling Disneyland with lung cancer. Disneyland Jail. [Technically, I was in Downtown Disney but still. It's still Disneyland. Disneyland is Disneyland no matter which part you are in; even if you're

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T15:22:00.003-10:00

Goodbye Vodka. Again.

2009-11-01T12:43:00.001-10:00

Exactly two months after the discovery of the expiration of our zygote, I found myself staring at a faint blue line. Again. It was my Grandfather’s birthday, a wonderful man who fought in WWII, sired four children, lived a quiet life as an accountant and wrote dirty novels. He loved dirty jokes, scotch and his family. He had died the year before. It was also Halloween. A day of masks,

Goodbye Sobriety.

2009-10-01T11:57:00.004-10:00

Four days after my surgery, we found ourselves at a beach house on the water, on a night that a full moon overlooked Koko Head Crater. It was night, we were surrounded with a few of our closest friends, and we were grilling steaks. And we were having a wake. Was it strange that we were celebrating the short and brilliant life of our baby? There was a bottle of vodka, two bottles of

And then something to make me laugh...

2009-09-05T13:49:00.006-10:00

Goodbye Pregnancy

2009-09-01T14:26:00.001-10:00

Miscarriage sucks ass. There’s really no getting around that fact. No matter when, no matter how. Whether it happens naturally or you have to go in for a D&C, which I did, it sucks fat ass. There’s no real way to understand the pain of it unless you’ve been there. I used to imagine, when I was pregnant, what I would feel if I were to miscarry. I felt like I was trying to get myself prepared

Goodbye What Was Never Meant To Be

2009-08-31T14:14:00.002-10:00

The morning of my first 2nd trimester appointment, I pulled on the maternity skirt my friend had lent me and a shirt that sort of masked the barely there bump of belly. It was amazing how my belly went up and down; poofed out then popped back in as flat as it had been before. I told my husband, as he got dressed, that sometimes it didn’t even seem like I was pregnant. As I lay on the bed

Goodbye Polite Society

2009-08-25T11:50:00.001-10:00

Pregnancy is a strange anti-filter device for the world. To survive polite society, people usually have some sort of filter on their brain, keeping them from saying everything they think. You may think your boss is a prick, for instance, but that filter keeps you from saying it aloud, and thus succeeds in keeping you gainfully employed. You might think your husband is getting a bit chunky, but

Goodbye Pretention

2009-07-04T11:28:00.001-10:00

No one I knew was ready for parenthood. Not even parents were ready for it. There really should be a class to take, a test to make sure that you stood a chance of teaching a kid the things it should know to take on the world. Anyone less than 75% passing on the test should have to wait until they matured to take another one…determining their viability as parents. Don’t they test the sperm of

Goodbye Birth Control.

2009-05-01T10:48:00.002-10:00

I stopped taking that miraculous drug that had kept me from being pregnant for the last ten years of sexual escapades. The move was made, the deed was done. The screw was out of my husband’s shoulder. We were settling in (badly) to responsible day jobs. The prenatal appointment was over and done with. Our family histories were discussed, my drinking and smoking habits were only slightly

Goodbye Life.

2009-01-01T10:36:00.003-10:00

Goodbye: Pert nipples. High Fructose Corn Syrup. Bud light. Tequila. Spontaneous trips. Champagne. Sex anywhere in the house. Sashimi. Sex any time of the day. Clothes that fit. Sex. Hello: Pregnancy. Sometime around my 27th birthday, I decided to break up with my life. It’s not that my life and I weren’t getting along; in fact we got along a bit too well. My liver would crave